Marital and Familial Stress

Last week in Family Relations we were challenged to come up with a definition for family stress. The definition my group came up with was "feelings of overwhelming pressure which effect the chemistry, attitude, and well-being of the family." We talked about how stress is produced when the brain senses danger and sparks the fight or flight response. In that moment of stress, the mind and body is programmed to fully focus on the perceived danger to escape it. Because of this, it inhibits a person's ability to think clearly about other things and in the case of chronic stress, results in neglect toward other aspects of their lives. It is interesting how stress can have very different effects on different families. In some cases, a family comes out from a stressful experience better than they were before and in other instances, they are worse-off after the event. This can be attributed to the ABCX model which explains that a combination of the Actual even, Both resources and responses, and Cognitions make up the total eXperience. We learned that the Chinese characters for crisis actually mean "danger" and "opportunity." Every event is what we make it and I believe that we are agents of our lives, emotions, and responses. No one and nothing can make us feel a certain way without our own perception and permission.

Sexual Intimacy and Affair Proofing Your Marriage

This week in Family Relations we learned about sexual intimacy and the differences between men and women. We discussed the confusion that can sometimes occur when sex has been looked down upon and given a negative connotation for a person’s whole life but when they’re married, it’s suddenly not only okay, but good. As a result, the newly married person/couple may react to sex with fear, shame, or guilt. This is a relatively common problem for those among the LDS culture, especially young women. It is important to understand and to teach our children that within the bonds of marriage, marital intimacy is sacred, beautiful, and ordained of God. Another main topic of discussion this week was how to “affair proof” your marriage. We learned about the importance of setting clear boundaries from the beginning and to always be “fiercely loyal.” A couple should learn to rely on each other rather than their parents or anyone else and become one as we learn in Genesis 2:24. We should refrain from discussing marital issues with anyone outside of the marriage and it’s a good idea to regulate Facebook use and activity on other social media. It is important to make sure your spouse knows that they are loved more than anything else in your life. We should sacrifice anything for them, put their feelings above everything else, give your whole self to them, and spend as much time with them as possible. Also, it is important to learn to control your thoughts; being spiritually in tune will help with this as well as many other aspects of the marriage.  

Marriage Relationships

How marriage is viewed and handled is different depending on a person's definition of the word. We associated sanctity and progression as two terms commonly associated with marriage among people of the LDS faith. We talked about how Eve was created as an "help meet" for Adam which means she was important and equal to him. We know that husband and wife are to be equal partners, but this doesn't mean that their roles are the same. To determine what needs to be done and who should do what in a marriage, we have great revelation to point us in the right direction. We should also study it out, ask God, and follow His promptings to have a successful marriage and family. This is the purpose of a covenant marriage where both partners have made promises to each other and to God rather than a contractual marriage where the couple only makes promises to one another. We talked about critical tasks of a new marriage including thing such as blending lives, setting clear boundaries, budgeting resources, open communication, making decisions together, etc. We learned that marital satisfaction goes up until the birth of the first child, then goes down, and eventually levels off. The same pattern is repeated with each child. Because of this, it is important to constantly show love and consideration to each other and to continue dating all throughout marriage.

Dating, Courtship, and Marriage

Sorry I'm a couple days late on this one! I had a hectic week last week and it just slipped my mind. It looks as if the craziness is carrying over into this week as well, oh no! Beside the hustle and bustle of a busy time in the semester, last week was great! In Family Relations we learned all about dating, courtship, and marriage, perfect for BYU-I (do), right!? Haha. We learned that intimate relationships should follow in that order and that difficulties very often, if not always, arise if one is skipped or if a couple "slides" through the stages. We were taught that touch develops a sense of closeness. In correlation to this fact, the Relationship Attachment Model was created. It portrays steps of attachment in levels that correspond to the others. Gathering from that, we should always know someone more than we trust them, we should trust them more than we rely on them, we should rely on them more than we commit to them, and we should commit more than we touch. Following this model will result in a healthy relationship and can help prevent heartache that results from artificial feelings of love and closeness derived from physical touch. We also learned about the "Know Quo" which are three determinants of really knowing someone. They are Talk-mutual self disclosure, Time- minimum of three months to begin to know someone, and Togetherness- participating in a wide range of activities with one another. Finally, we discussed how society is prescribing cohabitation as a preparation for marriage when in reality, it results in more divorce according to the statistics. This is because cohabitation brings two separate lives under the same roof instead of creating a union of two lives such as in the case with marriage. When, and if, the cohabiting couple gets married, nothing changes and their lives remain divided. Also, most women think of cohabiting as the next step to marriage when most men see it as a step away from or replacement to marriage. A majority of the problems that people are experiencing in dating, courtship, and marriage are a result of our changing society that is becoming more worldly and self-centered. We need to adhere to these teachings and those of the church to have happy, successful, and righteous relationships.

Gender

This week in Family Relations there was special emphasis placed on gender, their influences or roles and their behavioral tendencies. In examining females, we identified their tendencies as emotionally aware, expressive, and relationship oriented. These things all contribute to the feminine roles of nurturing, serving, and emotionally connecting. The male tendencies of aggression, spacial cognition, and task orientation likewise assist them in the masculine roles of providing, presiding, and protecting. It was very interesting to learn about gender and the psychological differences that make sense of gender roles. It brought even greater understanding and importance to the idea behind marriage between a man and woman. God has ordained marriage of this kind for a reason; the perfect balance and completion that come from the union of a male and female can be achieved in no other setting.

Culture Validity and Families

This week I learned about cultures and whether or not some are more valid than others. We described valid as sound, well-founded, and produces desired results. In class we discussed variables that could possibly make a culture more "valid" than others. A few things we came up with were the quantity and quality of collected data in a culture, the bringing of children to God, and gospel truths in a particular culture. We came to the conclusion that God loves all of His children and since no culture is totally valid and because ours has its flaws as well, it is hard for us to determine the validity of some cultures over others. It is especially hard to do this when we are taught in the gospel that all are equal, to love everyone, and refrain from judgment. I thought a great point that was made was those cultures that are drawing nearer to Christ and striving to follow his example could be considered more valid because they will be believing and living more correctly. We then explored the idea of culture outside of ethnicity or divided regions of the world. We talked about the importance of family cultures and creating one little by little right now. This weekend I had the opportunity to attend the baptism of my very best friend. My family came in support of both of us and we were all able to spend some quality time together enjoying each others company. It is in instances like these that I am able to see family culture qualities that I want to incorporate into my own future family. Things like spirituality, love, laughter, support, selflessness, and tenderness. I am so thankful for the wonderful family I have, the love they show me, and the example they are to me.

Family Systems Theory and Peace-Makers

Hope everyone had a great week! This week was especially interesting and enlightening to me because I learned more about my own family and particularly, my role in it. In class we were taught about different theories as they relate to families. Family systems theory is where a family is a whole of individual, contributing parts. Exchange theory is the weighing of costs and benefits; symbolic interaction states that everything is symbolic and we are always creating meaning; and conflict theory where everything is based off of the inequalities that exist among certain persons or groups. I believe that most families probably consist of a combination of each of these but I see family systems theory as dominant in my home. I can see how each member truly has their own role and provides in a special and necessary way to make our family complete. Another concept we learned was that of homeostatic mechanisms which are ways of trying to regulate feelings, emotions, and attitudes. Someone who continuously uses homeostatic mechanisms in a family is often called a "peace-maker." As I considered what a peace-maker does and why, I was able to understand more about myself.